How to Find Love in 5 Minutes

Sarah ended her last long term relationship right before meeting her husband

Her ex, Chris, was a great guy by conventional standards: he wanted marriage, had a great job and her family adored him. But behind closed doors weren’t so perfect. Over time, his dramatic mood swings made her extremely anxious. And, if she had to admit it, she wasn’t the greatest partner either. She had a hard time discussing her emotions and often lashed out. “It isn’t perfect,” she admitted, but what relationship is?”

Things came to a screeching halt when, on an inkling, she suspected that he was cheating. She confronted him, he pleaded guilty and the relationship ended right before her 37th birthday.

“If you’d told me that I’d still be single by 35, I wouldn’t have believed you. I always thought it would just come together.”

She was hurt and frustrated. That familiar feeling of hopelessness permeated her dating brain. Family, marriage and building that life together had always been her life plan. but it wasn’t happening. “If you’d told me that I’d still be single by 35, I wouldn’t have believed you. I always thought it would just come together.”

This time, things were different.

In the past, she would have thrown in that towel. It was winter in New York City, work was hectic, she had friendships to maintain and the holidays were coming up. Dating would be inconvenient. She could wait for things to clear up. What difference would three months make?

Instead of taking a break, she decided to double-down.

But, this time was different. Maybe it was that biological clock or the cumulative frustration of 10+ years of dating. She didn’t give up. She doubled down and prescribed a new approach. This time, she wouldn’t focus on the outcome. She focused on her actions. Her goal was simple: send 10 messages a day, no matter what. And by chance, luck or perseverance one of these messages went to Brian.

The scenario wasn’t ideal by any means. Brian was in the middle of a nasty divorce and wasn’t seeking a relationship. He wasn’t sure he even wanted to remain in New York City. He was conservative. “But there was something about him.” she recalls, “From the moment I met him it just felt different.” And different it was. Two years after their first date, I watched my childhood friend marry the man of her dreams.

Today she is a happy wife and mother of two adorable kids. During a recent visit, I could see the change. As she glided between cleaning the highchair and cooing over her son’s attempt at the guitar, I knew my friend had found her place.

What was her secret? How did she find Brian, her adoring, generous, family oriented (not to mention 6'2" high flying lawyer) husband? And how did she pull off the statistically impossible: married at 39, toddlers at 44?

How did she pull off the statistically impossible: married at 39, toddlers at 44?

I’ll tell you what she didn’t do. She didn’t dump Brian, despite all of his deal-breakers. She didn’t work on herself. She didn’t take a long introspective break. She didn’t play texting games or hold out until he proposed.

How Sarah beat the odds.

Instead, she let go of the goal and focused on what she could control: her process. Those 10 messages a day led her to true companionship, a family and most of all, love.

Despite the proliferation of “how to find The One” textbooks, there just isn’t a textbook answer.

Finding love is frustrating to even the highest achievers because, unlike earning a degree or getting a promotion, it isn’t just about hard work. Given the number of frustrated daters, it’s clear that today’s advice isn’t helping.

My approach is different. It doesn’t involve falling in love with yourself, becoming the person you want to date, meditate or losing weight. You’ll have to do some work, but it’ll be easy. The solution will give you immediate control over your dating life.

I have a different approach, one that you can start in the next five minutes.

What you can do. Today.

I’m here to present a simpler solution. And it’s something you can start in the next five minutes.

It starts with a simple idea: small actions lead to greater outcomes. In Sarah’s case, the action was sending ten messages a day. This action moved her closer to her goal. By doing something rather than nothing, her probability of meeting a potential partner went from 0% to greater than 0%.

That odds improved when she reached out to men who shared her goals and interests. Her process was easy and yielded results.

Shape your process to change your bad habits.

Now, to the serial daters out there who the process will look different. You’ll need to scale it back and be more selective. If you’re on the opposite end and can’t find anybody to text, you’ll need to let your guard down consider those who meet less than 100% of your criteria.

If you tend to fall hard and fast, try trimming those 5-hour first dates to 45 minutes. Do it systematically and see what happens, because what you’re doing isn’t working.

A great system is a sustainable one.

Create a system that works for you. A successful process must be sustainable. The aim? Keep that probability of meeting your match above zero. Your process will open you to new connections. If you do nothing, nothing will change. It’s time to try something different.

The beauty of this systematic approach is that you can start today. Commit to an action that’s easy. Your new dating habits will not only get you closer to finding love, but more will importantly, give you control over your dating life.

Let go of goal oriented dating.

Contrary to popular belief, getting married isn’t a goal. The goal is to embody the habits that will get you closer. Just as you can’t run a marathon without being a runner, just like you can’t find true love without changing your limiting habits.

Finding that relationship begins with you, and that’s a good thing! Great habits and small commitments is something that we can all do.

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I’m a Dating Coach, former Matchmaker and a single parent navigating modern dating. Learn more at www.agoodfirstdate.com / @agoodfirstdate

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Grace Lee, Dating Coach

Grace Lee, Dating Coach

I’m a Dating Coach, former Matchmaker and a single parent navigating modern dating. Learn more at www.agoodfirstdate.com / @agoodfirstdate

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